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forbiddenbik
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Name: Bicky
Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Gender: Female
Interests: Tennis, Badminton, Swimming, Studying, Reading, Going out.
Expertise: FOOLING AROUND. Make people laugh, try to cheer up people, look stupid.
Occupation: Studying in International Busi
Industry: Ice Cream
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/4/2006
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| Wow I'm happy I got the guts to write again.
Sadly it's not a happy entry or a random one but I really really reallyy need to rant.
Please bear with me. (PS: I'm going to write like if i'm talking to a guy but the opposite works, I just don't want to refer to myself as a guy for "easier reading" - and I am specifically adressing to someone.)
So here it is. I was watching this romantic comedy movie and it occured to me that...I thought I was that I was that girl for you. The girl that will make you forget all the shitty stuff your ex did, all the pain you went thru and all the reasons you became jackass. I thought I was able to be that "one" person that makes it like if nothing happen, that still makes your heart flutter despite you saying "you can't fall in love no more". I thought I was all of these and GOSH was I ahead of myself. Don't get me wrong, I never thought we were meant to get married and shit like that. I just thought maybe one day I could say...yes, I'm the one that mend his heart. I'm the one that helped him get through it. I'm the one that helped him to be a better man, to find this peaceful place in his heart where he could love again, like he never got hurt. God, I'm so stupid and retarded haha. I thought maybe this time it meant something. Maybe you weren't like all those others guys that do the same fucking thing with me, that you meant what you did and that you maybe were thinking of going somewhere with me. I meant come on, you sang to me on the phone at 2AM....do you do that with all of them? I mean...whatever. I thought something was up and I guess I was wrong...but you know what? I wasn't wrong in what I did. Because I tried. I felt, I hurt, but at least I had feelings, and I was okay with expressing them, how bad your past is, how shitty mine is too. I just thought maybe we could construct our future on what we are in the present. The number of times you told me I should forget about my exes, how I should forget the past and start afresh with the present. How many times I told you that holding grudges is so much harder than forgiving and moving on. I guess I'm the only one that listen because I haven't thought of them in months...and yet you haven't changed. I realize I was the nice girl I am, I went back to those days when it was easy to be careless, to love without regrets and to just appreciate what life gives you at the moment. I guess the me back in the days was too naive...but it's okay. I learn. I didn't learn to close my heart to any asshole that will come in my path. I learnt that I can hurt, that it is natural, but I know one day I will find my happy place. I know that falling might be scary, it might be dangerous...but it's what human are...they have flaws. Yeah I'll miss you, yeah i'll probably wonder to myself whether those few last months were a joke for you or if you are just scared of what could happen. But you know? At the end, those last months were great for me, only for the support you gave me, for that feeling you give me when you called me to be sure I was at home, and then just to call me after to call me to talk about whatever...that giddy feeling I had when you would text me, or contact me through any means...that whole act of me being pissed in the morning because I'm still happy just to hear your voice. I might put myself out there...but at least I felt something. I could have gotten hurt, or mad, or pissed, or heartbroken even, but I don't. I wish I could but I just want to find happiness, And I hope you do too. I hope you will find happiness in someone. In a nice person that will help you mend your broken heart. I wish for both of us happiness, whether that happiness is together or separate. All I know is that if it is not you, it will be this other awesome guy that I will fall for, that will make my heart all giddy and crazy beating for no reason. He might be heartbroken too, he might be an asshole too, but if I was meant for him, then I hope I will be able to make his heart soothe easily. That he will forget all the hurt and all those bitches that hurt him, that toyed with him. Because I know how it feels, I went through that. I went through my loads of assholes and bastards. But at the end, we are all human right? We all got hurt, we all have issues, but making those issues improve us is what differentiate better people from normal people. And I want to be a better person. For myself. For the ones I love. And for the one that will make my heart flutter.
All to say...it was nice to meet you. It was nice for awhile. But I guess I have to learn my lesson right? All I can say is that...don't regret me. ;) I won't regret you. Because I know that if it meant to be, it will arrive. If not...I'll find my "him". <3
Can you guess which movie? ;)
Bicksters. | | |
| And obviously...I got greedy. But this time I'll make it right. I'll forget. I'll let it go. I have to because being hurt over a ridiculous idea, a ridiculous moment of weakness, a ridiculous possibility of an "us" is impossible. I really wanted us to keep this going on. But now that I think of it, I'll only end up being hurt. By you. By me. By who I am not yet. By my past. I realize that I might not be mentally ready for something. Neither are you. But I really...really wanted the unready us to be ready for each other, at least. I don't know if one day we will be ready to accept someone else. I don't know if that day i'd be getting ready for you or for another. I don't know if one day you will be getting ready for me or for another either. I just know we can both find happiness. We will find happiness. We will let go of the past and move forward with life, smiling brightly with knowledge in mind. I'm not scared for us. I'm just...sad that we picked the wrong time to meet. I sincerely wished we met earlier...with pure hearts and no scars. Just being able to enjoy each other's company at last.
But despite all wishes...I wish to let go. Of them before. Of the you now. And of the exhausted me.
Sincerely yours,
BHoang | | |
| Don't make me long for you...because what we have is great...it's just that I don't want to get greedy...<3 | | |
| woman, it's been five years...get over it. | | |
| Someone told me I should stop being so scared of people. That I should trust them more and if at some point, I get hurt, then I should just make them earn my trust again. Despite his sayings, I've always thought trust should be earned at the first place.
I should trust you...you told me. I tried and this is what ends up like....I don't need this shit, seriously. I don't want any of it.... | | |
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